You're wondering, "Can this guy help me?" And here is where I'm supposed to tell you about me so you'll know if you and I are right for each other.
I'll get to that in a minute. Right now, let's talk about you and what kind of man I have the most success in helping. Then you'll know better if we are a good fit.
The best fit
The guys who get the most out of working with me are the ones really motivated. They are tired of living in shame and in violation of their values. They are ready to go deeper to really free themselves from their sex-related habit.
They want to get a handle on why they are so tempted in the first place. Deal with their thoughts. Figure out what their fantasies say about their real needs. And get those needs met in a healthy way.
They're also serious about fixing the damage they have done to their relationship with their wife or girlfriend.
They want to know how to respond better to her anger or complaints or distress. How to restore trust. How to protect and care for her.
They are coachable. They know it takes strength and maturity to admit they have messed up and hurt people. And to ask for support and advice.
Sounds like you?
What to Expect
So what will we do together?
First we will work on stabilizing your habit, getting your behavior under control.
Next we will consider the inaccurate thoughts as well as the difficult feelings that might be driving the habit or making it worse.
Then we will work on addressing your life balance and getting all your needs met in a healthy way, so the habit isn't needed.
Finally, we will begin addressing some of the impact of painful experiences that may be lurking below the surface and influencing your behavior more than you may think.
If you are married or in a relationship, we will be addressing your partner's concerns and your relationship all along the way.
Of course, what we work on together depends on what you want to do.
Now about me
I enjoy helping men rediscover their power to live the life they want, to love and empower the people around them and bless the world with their gifts.
Nothing gratifies me more than helping men get back in charge of their lives.
And coaching them to boost their intimacy with their partner. Melting her with tenderness, strength and unselfish passion.
I have worked with porn addicted pastors and businessmen as well as drug addicted inmates.
And I have been coaching singles and couples in the ways of lasting love for twenty years.
I have my own history of struggle with pornography, masturbation and other sexual issues as well as anxiety, depression and fears related to love and connection, so I know what it's like.
Documents on the wall
I enjoy biking around town, experimenting with low carb baking, collecting music, doing fiber crafts with my wife, gardening and studying human potential.
"Addiction: What we do in response to pain.
What pain? The absence of unconditional love." Greg Baer
Its not about sex
Sex habits are not about sex. Sex just happens to be able to imitate love pretty well. Behind any porn, masturbation, or other sex-related habit is a problem of pain. And sex just relieves pain really well.
"Pain? I'm not in pain. I function really well. I just have this habit."
Yeah. Sometimes we use the habit to prevent the pain from ever surfacing. I've done that. But most people are dealing with at least a low level of chronic pain.
So, what pain?
As over-simplified as it may sound, I think whatever is wrong with you and me, apart from physical injury, is generally about not getting something as basic to your well-being as oxygen.
What's this thing essential for mental, emotional and spiritual health? Unconditional love.
most love is paid for
We suffer from not getting true and unconditional love. And also from looking for it in the wrong ways.
Most affection, attention and care is paid for. We have to please people and trade something for it: We have to look good, be funny, please, obey, make them happy. And then people like us. For a while. Even our parents, however much they loved us, often only really liked us if and when we were not a bother and made their lives easier.
We faced the agonizing conflict between "I desperately need love and connection" and "Love and connection hurt like hell." We learned to twist ourselves all out of shape to earn a scrap of somebody's conditional love. That's where a lot of unhealthy things we do comes from.
And so the solution to whatever is wrong with you and me is largely about unconditional love, acceptance, respect. Finding it. Remembering it. Giving it.
True and unconditional love is what makes you feel joyful. Free. Full. Important. Fearless. Strong. Powerful.
Without it we feel empty. Afraid. Distressed. Desperate for whatever hollow pleasure, fleeting significance, momentary sense of power or temporary hiding place we can find.
This may sound exaggerated and silly. But it so universal and normal that we're not even aware we're doing it.
When we find real connection with other people--
--we become our best selves.
We become healthy and magnificent powerhouses.
We can let go of all those unhealthy things we learned to do to substitute for what we really want and need--unconditional love.
And we can fill up and nourish the people who depend on us. And make a glorious difference in the world around us.
One of the ironies of having a bad habit and needing to focus on getting rid of it is that we have to start admitting our weaknesses and shortcomings with others.
This gives us a real chance to experience unconditional acceptance and love.
When we finally confess to someone, "Hey, I am controlled by porn," or "I cheat on my partner," we discover that not everyone goes screaming out of the room to get away from us.
We find that some people still respect us and remain our partner or friends in spite of it.
And some actually like us more because of our honesty.
And something inside can begin to shift. Because we have created the situation to receive straight oxygen for the soul: Unconditional love and respect.
what it means for you
So what has this got to do with you working with me? Does that mean we're going to hug all day in a Kumbaya circle?
No. I still do hardcore therapy stuff you'd be expecting: Examining "stinkin' thinkin'," discussing triggers and addiction cycles, looking at the roots of the habit. Based on proven methods (mainly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) adapted from Patrick Carnes' pioneering sex addiction work.
But it also means that I take seriously the accepted idea that sex and porn issues reflect an intimacy disorder. A disruption of healthy bonding and attachment. So I will be steering you towards working on that.
And it means that your heart will be our main focus, not your head.